Pain…

Last night, I was hosting some customers in my company’s suite at The O2 Arena in London. It was for ‘Fast & Furious Live’ and my guests were customers who I am friendly with and their families. It was always going to be tough, as Sasha used to come with me to these things, and everywhere I looked, I saw her.

Firstly, it should be said that the show was rubbish. Like Disney On Ice for slightly older kids. Just cars doing figures of eights for two hours to music that was far too loud and people saying things that nobody understood. Nick Clegg was in the next suite. I don’t know what he thought of it.

Anyway, I had fully prepared myself to not have a drink, as beer doesn’t fit in with a robust plan to lose weight, but the pain got much too much and I decided to drink with everyone else. This annoys me now as I had stuck to the plan all day. Before long I was leaning on Felicity’s shoulder and crying like a baby. Not good. Here I am with Felicity and her family, saying goodbye at the tube after the show. You will by this point, see that I’m so drunk, I can’t remember who Sasha even is!

Tonight I am supposed to be DJing at my club night, but I’m pulling out in case I break down there too. I had to go last night, as it was a work thing, but where a choice is involved, I long for the safety of my apartment…

So the thoughts I have this morning are all around how I’m going to get over her and how long that takes. I know that depends on me really, and of course I have experienced a break up before, but nothing like this, and this has happened completely out of the blue. Totally unexpected. There were no signs, we were making plans for 2018, booking holidays and life was good. The sex was amazing, we were laughing lots, and she told me she loved me, and so the more I pick it apart, the more confused I am. I was deliriously happy and I dared to imagine the future. I think this is why it is stinging so much. I have never, ever experienced anything like this.

Random crying. Irrational thinking. Mood swings. Days when I can’t even get out of bed. Drinking too much. A permanent knot in my tummy. Thoughts of her in my head and little else. Nothing seems to help. Not staying in with a hot bath and an early night, not going out and drinking, not work and not friends. Whatever I do, the pain remains.

I’m hearing all of the cliches. Time heals! Keep busy! She’s not worth it. I know people mean well, but right now, I just want Sasha and that’s the only thing that will stop this unbelievable pain.

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