24 Stones 4 Pounds

And so, yesterday was weigh in number two, after a dodgy and emotional week, where losing weight was the last thing on my mind.

Weigh In 2: 24 Stones 4 Pounds – Total Weight Loss 2.5lb


I think it’s fair to say that I have ‘got away with it’ on my first week.  Probably down to the fact that while I was drinking, I wasn’t really eating!  Whatever the reason, I’m delighted to have secured a small loss, and I’m feeling really motivated for the next week.

This weekend was supposed to be a special weekend for Sasha and I, and had planned to head to London for a meal at La Caprice, seeing Glengarry Glen Ross and then cocktails at The Savoy!  A real treat day to celebrate a year together. I did think about it throughout the day, but tried hard to busy myself by staying to group, de-sasharing my apartment and cooking something healthy to eat.  Here is my effort at an on plan Mac & Cheese!


The ironic thing is that if our trip to London had happened, it would have been boozy and foodie, so maybe this is all for the best?  Don’t think that this is me starting to see the light here readers, I am still not good, still in love, still hurting, missing her like crazy and frightened about the future, but I think I might just have a healthy focus on getting in shape.  We’ll see.  I face three big danger zones in the next two days.  Hosting customers at The O2, staying in a hotel and spending a day at Head Office.  All of those things have been known to derail my daily efforts at sticking to plan, however, I have taken the time to try and plan for these today, rather than just rolling in without a strategy.

If this is to succeed.  I absolutely have to understand that sacrifices have to be made and changes have to take place.

It’s A Tough Week…

Write more about getting lighter and less about getting over?  Ha!  Who was I kidding when I wrote that?

This morning two parcels arrived from her, sending back the jewellery and the underwear that i’d bought for her…  Ouch!  I mean, I’m not a rich man, but I worked hard to buy her Tiffany and Agent Provocateur!  I wanted her to have the best.  She meant that much.  Now it’s back with me…

She left me so unexpectedly that I am left here, still in love, lonely and grieving.  I had no idea it was coming…

So weight loss readers, I write this week off, will weigh in on Saturday expecting a gain, then dig deep, get strong, and try to start loving myself, and getting stuck into some healthy eating, but Man, heartbreak readers will understand that I feel broken right now, and I think I finally, truly understand the meaning of broken.

My self esteem and self worth are through the floor.  I am doubting myself at every turn.  This is not going to be an easy journey, but I still believe, somewhere deep down that I can recover…  And because I’ve said it, I will.

It should be noted that this post was written under the influence of Goose Island beer and self pity.

Hahaha!  There is always humour in the truth.

Feeling Stronger…

So… After hours of saying no, my mates persuaded me to DJ at the launch of my club night on Saturday, and they were right. It was the right thing to do.

It was a sell out, and as the crowd swelled to about two hundred, I came out of my shell, and played a great set. The floor never cleared and by midnight, I was jumping and dancing and I forgot my troubles. It was an odd night, as another ex (I lived with Fiona for years) turned up, not knowing I’d be there, and there were even some early signs of maybe getting close to someone new. I’m feeling guarded, but that night of fun has helped me no end. I’m sleeping better, my focus is coming back and I’m beginning to feel like myself again… But… Playing at that gig meant drinking, but d’you know what? In the clear light of day, I think I need to be feeling better to achieve anything, so a bad week of eating, might just help the bigger picture.

So. I’ve been fairly good today, even with a six syn Nando’s with my Son, and I am feeling stronger everyday. Friday night was a real low point that won’t be repeated. I haven’t really thought about Sasha since Saturday morning, so I’m thinking that taking a risk, listening to your friends and getting out to live your life and working hard, is the best possible therapy for a broken heart. I think I still need to discuss her in a future post, but I’m going to try and concentrate on talking more about getting lighter, and less about getting over…


Last night, I was hosting some customers in my company’s suite at The O2 Arena in London. It was for ‘Fast & Furious Live’ and my guests were customers who I am friendly with and their families. It was always going to be tough, as Sasha used to come with me to these things, and everywhere I looked, I saw her.

Firstly, it should be said that the show was rubbish. Like Disney On Ice for slightly older kids. Just cars doing figures of eights for two hours to music that was far too loud and people saying things that nobody understood. Nick Clegg was in the next suite. I don’t know what he thought of it.

Anyway, I had fully prepared myself to not have a drink, as beer doesn’t fit in with a robust plan to lose weight, but the pain got much too much and I decided to drink with everyone else. This annoys me now as I had stuck to the plan all day. Before long I was leaning on Felicity’s shoulder and crying like a baby. Not good. Here I am with Felicity and her family, saying goodbye at the tube after the show. You will by this point, see that I’m so drunk, I can’t remember who Sasha even is!

Tonight I am supposed to be DJing at my club night, but I’m pulling out in case I break down there too. I had to go last night, as it was a work thing, but where a choice is involved, I long for the safety of my apartment…

So the thoughts I have this morning are all around how I’m going to get over her and how long that takes. I know that depends on me really, and of course I have experienced a break up before, but nothing like this, and this has happened completely out of the blue. Totally unexpected. There were no signs, we were making plans for 2018, booking holidays and life was good. The sex was amazing, we were laughing lots, and she told me she loved me, and so the more I pick it apart, the more confused I am. I was deliriously happy and I dared to imagine the future. I think this is why it is stinging so much. I have never, ever experienced anything like this.

Random crying. Irrational thinking. Mood swings. Days when I can’t even get out of bed. Drinking too much. A permanent knot in my tummy. Thoughts of her in my head and little else. Nothing seems to help. Not staying in with a hot bath and an early night, not going out and drinking, not work and not friends. Whatever I do, the pain remains.

I’m hearing all of the cliches. Time heals! Keep busy! She’s not worth it. I know people mean well, but right now, I just want Sasha and that’s the only thing that will stop this unbelievable pain.

24 Stones 6.5 Pounds

Hello.  Thanks for visiting my blog.  If you’ve reached here, you’ve probably taken a wrong turn somewhere, as I am not, and have no intention of advertising this page or trying to convince anyone to follow any particular product or scheme.  It is first and foremost for myself, but now you are here, why not stick around for a while?  This first post will hopefully tell you everything you need to know, about why I am writing this and what my motivations are to write things down.

Weigh In 1:  24 Stones 6.5 Pounds  –  Chest 51″   Waist 58″   Hips 54″

Hi.  My name is Adam.  I’m 45 and I live in Birmingham, England.  Nice to meet you.  Here is a picture of Sasha and I.  It’s a nice holiday snap at the Trevi Fountain in Rome.  Lovely.  Last week, Sasha finished our relationship.  We had been together for a year.  Why?  I had gained weight.  Why?  Her attraction for me had gone.  Why?  Once the attraction had gone, the love vanished too.  Wow!  I can only imagine that this is what being hit by a train feels like.  It took me my whole life to find such a compatible partner, and someone I considered to be my soul mate and my future.  I’ve cried and i’ve screamed and i’ve been angry.  I’ve tried to win her back, said some things that I shouldn’t and probably haven’t given her enough space. All the things that men do after a break up, right?  But Man, this is hurting like nothing I’ve ever known before, and from being outgoing, confident and happy, I am now withdrawn, quiet and full of self loathing.  Honestly?  I repulse myself.  The photo at the top of the page is the last photo of us together.  We loved a selfie!  Ha!


It should be said for perspective that I weighed 24 stones when we started seeing each other, but then I lost weight and was below 21 stones when this photo was taken.  Then as our social life got more social, and my working hours got longer, it started to creep back on, slowly but surely.  I also gave up smoking six months ago, have a job that involves me driving hundreds of miles and sitting in front of a laptop for many hours.  These are NOT excuses however.  I am the master of myself, but these are factors in my struggle, and for as long as I can remember, I’ve always struggled.

It’s maybe too late for Sasha and I (well let’s explore that at another time…) but this has been the wake up call that you hear people talk about.  The moment when your life changes, and I WILL lose weight.  I WILL take control.  For my health and happiness, life and love.  And so, the reason I am going to be blogging about it, is that every business manual I have ever read says that if you write things down, it happens.  Every self help book I’ve ever read (and it isn’t many) says that keeping a journal helps your focus too.  Put those two things together and you have my blog.  I want to be painfully truthful and objective about myself in here too.  Why lie to myself and my blog, so prepare for the odd awkward over sharing moment!  Yes, it’s about a life changing weight loss journey, but also health, love and happiness and anything else that crops up on this heartbreaking adventure.  Can I lose weight?  Can I change my life?  Will I get the girl?  Stay tuned…